Friday, May 11, 2012

An Ending and a Beginning

Hello World.

It's been a while since I've posted here. Almost two years. Why am I posting now? Because everything in life is changing at a rapid pace.

It's Friday, May 11th at 12:45 am. In approximately 18 hours, I will be graduating with my PhD in Computer Science. It has been a long journey --- six years in the making. I have worked so hard, been so focused and driven, even moving across the country to make all of my dreams come true. Today is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.


So why am I so terrified?


It is not that I have nothing to look forward to. In two months, I start a job at an amazing university as an Assistant Professor. Then, a couple weeks after that, I marry a wonderful man who has been a bastion of support for me for almost five and half years. I have dreamed of this day, this summer, for so long. When things have gotten tough, I have closed my eyes and thought about the day that I would graduate, when I would marry Kevin, when I would be working at my dream job at a dream university. And all my dreams are coming true.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life.

So why can't I sleep?

The rain is coming down hard outside of the window of the apartment that I've lived in for the last four years. It's almost completed gutted now. Most of what is not in luggage have been shipped weeks ago. I have piles of things on the floor that still need to be shipped, things that need to be donated to Goodwill, and things that still need to be packed in the luggage my parents are bringing later today when they arrive for my graduation. Even as I write this, I am lying on an air mattress last slept on when I first moved to Texas four years ago. I gave my bed to a friend earlier this morning.

From my bed,  I can see my now mostly empty closet, gaping open in front of me. In addition to a scraggle  of hangers, I see my PhD robes, neatly hung, waiting to be worn tomorrow. Somewhere nearby, likely on the floor, is my graduation cap. And next to my graduation gown on another hanger (but out of sight) is another gown --- my wedding dress, waiting to be transported with me back to the Northeast.

I have achieved everything I've set out to do. I don't remember feeling like this when I graduated with my Bachelors. Of course not -- I was going to graduate school. I don't remember feeling like this when I got my Master's. It was just a stepping stone for the PhD. And now, with the PhD just a few hours away, I feel so.. lost.

After all, I haven't been prepared for this moment. What happens to Tom when he finally catches Jerry? Does the Coyote ever feel fulfilled when he finally bested the Road Runner? My memory of these cherished cartoons offer no solutions -- the point was that the mouse and the bird were unattainable goals. But what happens when you achieve a goal that you thought was impossible? Will I live happily ever after? (Impossible. This is a lie perpetuated by Disney.) Or, will I be like Pepe Le Pew, who, when finally winning the affections of Penelope Pussycat, runs away screaming?

But I have never been one to run away.

Logic states what I'm feeling is normal. I've read that many PhD students, once completing their dissertation, enter a sort of postpartum depression, as something that was a part of them for so long is finally gone.  But forget the dissertation, I have postpartum whatever because my entire life is leaving. Tomorrow, I am no longer a student. And later, I will be a professor, and then a wife. I threw out half of my clothes. After all, I need a professional wardrobe now. And I'll probably have to start doing my nails and my hair, and other womanly things that women do to be "professional". At least I'll still be a Linux user. That's OK, thank God.

Will I recognize myself in five years? How about in two? What about in one?

Only time will tell. But for now, I really should do my best to sleep. Everything is going to be fine. I must have faith, and believe.